After much angst, debate, and argument (mostly over who’s turn it is to buy drinks) we have come to the understanding that we are not worthy of Crystal Cox’s craziness.

You see, no matter how hard we have tried, the amount of time and effort we have placed into every investigative Dig Deep story we have posted here it is still not enough for Crystal. She demands like Oliver, more… more digging, more deeper probing, more investigate blogging more more More and even mOrE.

Why do we know this dear readers, because she refuses to acknowledge that CrystalsTumblingCox is part of the Cliques of Normals Secretly Performing Insidious Rituals Aimed at Controlling You (C.O.N.P.I.R.A.C.Y), and we are not the only ones.

Jordan Rushie a lawyer of diversity, adventurism, insomnia, and awesome beards who seems as normal as anyone else - though he does thinks Ken would look good as scully *blink*. He has discovered that he too, like us is not part of this clique and has written of his melancholy in a deep and moving post.

Jordan, we feel your pain. We empathize. We the victims of Crystal’s bullying behavior excluding us from her insane ramblings must band together to stop it.

How do we do this? Do we ignore it, do we take action under proposed anti-bully laws (sadly we are not in Arizona so that wont work)?.

What about education? Education! Yes Education and letting the sunshine out is the ONLY way to treat this travesty of exclusion.

To that end, after the fold, we have posted at great expense an educational prose explaining for Crystal, and anyone else with a penchant for tinfoil what a Conspiracy is and how to spot them.

Like Jordan, we need to be included, we might not have Scully’s looks, or Mulder’s hair, or even the Smoking Man’s grating voice, sarcasm and disdain, though we will, may FSM guide us, be The Lone Gunmen.

[…more ]

Here for Crystal’s education, and your pleasure, straight from the bowels of the Dark Horde themselves. The one, the only

FUNKSHUNEL ILLITERIT

-by IsenWolf - Whistling Arrows, the newsletter of the Dark Horde

What if there were a conspiracy, and nobody knew about it? What if nobody could know about it because the conspirators removed all evidence of its existence? What if it was part of a sinister brotherhood that planned to conquer the world and had the people to do it? What if they were planning to do it tomorrow? What could be done to stop them; what could even be done to discover their very existence?

There are certain organizational principles that successful conspiracies tend to follow, and an understanding of these can help us to uncover that which would ordinarily be un-uncoverable.

FIRST: because all evidence of the conspiracy’s existence has been removed, the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. On the contrary, because one can find evidence of virtually anything, whether it actually exists or not, finding some evidence in and of itself proves nothing. Since we know that the conspirators have removed all evidence of their conspiracy, we must deduce the conspiracy’s existence by looking for conspicuous absence of any evidence of its existence. Having searched for, but not found, evidence of a conspiracy, we must then logically conclude that there is, in fact, a conspiracy, and further, that the conspirators are extremely clever and therefore very dangerous.

SECOND: Conspiracies tend to have five members. This makes it difficult if not impossible for an outsider to keep track of the conspiracy should it somehow be discovered. This is how it works: Any conspiracy is composed of members who communicate with every other person in the conspiracy, and thus the conspiracy can be defined in terms of persons who communicate with each other to a common end.

Persons within a conspiracy can form a sub-conspiracy with necessarily fewer members. The number of possible combinations of sub-conspiracies within a conspiracy increases with the size of the major conspiracy. For example, a conspiracy of 2 has only one possible combination, and therefore no sub-conspiracies; a conspiracy of 3 can have 3 sub-conspiracies of 2, a conspiracy of 4 can have 6 sub-conspiracies of 2, three pairs of sub-conspiracies of 2 and 4 sub-conspiracies of 3 for a total of 14 possible combinations of (sub) conspiracies. For a conspiracy of 5, the number of possible combinations is so great that it is not feasible for an outsider to keep track of them all, thus affording a measure of security via complexity. In a conspiracy of more than 5, the conspirators themselves have trouble keeping track of all the possible combinations of conspiracies, thus they tend to limit their numbers to 5.

THIRD: In addition to secrecy and complexity, another method of security is Ignorance.

It is an axiom among the intelligence community that the most secure, and therefore the potentially most effective agent is one who does not know that he is an agent.

The same is true for conspirators. If caught, they cannot reveal what they do not know; yet the conspiracy is only dependent on what they do, not what they know. Therefore, in a conspiracy that is observing proper security measures, -none- of the conspirators would know that they are part of a conspiracy, in order to confuse the enemy and avoid suspicion. Therefore, whether or not a conspirator believes s/he is part of a conspiracy is not a valid indicator.

How do we identify the conspirators, having proved the existence of the conspiracy by observing a total absence of evidence of its existence?

Since the conspirators are members of a larger organization, which ultimately runs the conspiracy, we must look for common factors among members of our own organization that would tend to indicate that some of our members are also members of some other organization that might be plotting to take over the world.

• Do some people give others secret handshakes?
• Do some wear some sort of insignia?
• Do some people make obscure jokes that seem only to be funny to a few others?
• Do some seem to sit off in a group by themselves, talking about God-knows-what?

    Watch for these signs!

They are indicators of a group affiliation, and since we know that there is a conspiracy within our organization, we must assume that this group that some of our people are affiliated with is the organization that is behind the conspiracy.

Remember: conspiracies usually have five members, although it would be just like a conspiracy to have a different number, just to confuse us. But let us start by assuming that they number five. First we must observe deviant behaviors by groups within our group and make not of the individual identities. We must then observe how these individuals interact, and with whom, in order to establish patterns of conspiracies within the conspiracy. And we must keep dossiers on all of these individuals so that we can keep track of their activities and contacts.

We must be ever vigilant, lest we be drawn down and consumed by the conspiracies for world domination. As foulness we shall know them; their hand is at our throats. Their habitation is even one with our guarded threshold. We rule now where they ruled once; they shall soon rule where we rule now. After winter is summer, after summer, winter; they wait, patient and potent, for tomorrow belongs to them.

They also capitalize properly, Or thEY mIGHT nOt